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babe
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Sun Feb 12, 2017 9:18 am
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A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, ''You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.''
So the couple walked in and the shopkeeper says to them, ''I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. They have special power. Dey make you wild at sex like a great desert camel.'' Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the shopkeeper claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex God he was.
The husband asked the man, ''How could sandals improve my abilities?'' The Pakistani man replied, ''Just try dem on, Saiheeb. The sandals will prove it to you.'' Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years: raw sexual power!
In a blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Pakistani man, bent him violently over a table, yanked down the man's pants and his own, and grabbed firm hold of the Pakistani's thighs. The Pakistani then began screaming, ''YOU HAVE DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!''


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babe
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Sun Feb 12, 2017 9:19 am
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They finally released the ingredients in Viagra! 3% Vitamin E, 2% Aspirin, 2% Ibuprofen, 1% Vitamin C, 5% Spray Starch, 87% Fix-A-Flat.


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babe
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Sun Feb 12, 2017 9:19 am
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A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married. He says, ''Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry.'' The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, ''Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry.'' She immediately replies, ''The red-head in the middle.'' Stunned, the young man says, ''That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?''
''I don't like her,'' she says.


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marnixR
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Sun Mar 26, 2017 6:00 pm
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Ph will appreciate this one

"If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate."

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"Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away." (Philip K. Dick)
"Someone is WRONG on the internet" (xkcd)


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babe
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Tue Mar 28, 2017 8:25 am
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How do you kill a blonde? Put a scratch-and-sniff at the bottom of a pool.


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Zinjanthropos
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Tue Mar 28, 2017 4:18 pm
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Good to hear from you babe. Hope you're doing well.

I don't remember signing up for it but I get email from something called jokebox. Normally the jokes are not funny but I thought this was pretty good:

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Old Lady:
He began to rub all over my body.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so spicy' that I just laid down and told him
'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.

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"Science is much better than religion because our faith is shakeable. There can be something I believe with all my heart to be absolutely true, and the minute there's evidence that it isn't true, I throw it out like yesterday's garbage"-Krauss


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marnixR
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Tue Mar 28, 2017 8:21 pm
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don't know whether I've posted this one before, but it always brings a smile to my face



obviously, you have to know how the carriage return on an old style typewriter works

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"Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away." (Philip K. Dick)
"Someone is WRONG on the internet" (xkcd)


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babe
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Wed Mar 29, 2017 5:13 am
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SMOOCHIES ZINNY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ALoha Marnix


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babe
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Wed Mar 29, 2017 5:14 am
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Why did the blonde jump off the cliff? She thought her maxi pad had wings.


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babe
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Wed Mar 29, 2017 5:24 am
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At 85 years of age, Morris marries Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Morris should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new, but aged,
husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed, and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough, the knock comes; the door opens and there is Morris, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well; Morris takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Morris. Again, he is ready for action. Somewhat surprised, but nonetheless willing, Lou Anne consents to more conjugal bliss. When the love-birds are done, Morris kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but Morris is back again, rapping on the door, as fresh as a
25-year old. Ready for more passion. Once again, they enjoy one another.

But as Morris prepares to leave again, his young bride says to him, ''I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Morris.''

Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says,
''You mean I was here already?''


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babe
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Wed Mar 29, 2017 5:30 am
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At dawn the telephone rings.

''Hello, Senor Lucky? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your
country house.''

''Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?''

''Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor, that your parrot died.

''My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?''

''Si, Senor, that's the one.''

''Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird.

''What did he die from?''

''From eating rotten meat, Senor''

Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?''

''Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.''

''Dead horse? What dead horse?''

''The thoroughbred, Senor Lucky. He died from all that work pulling the water cart.''

''Are you insane? What water cart?''

''The one we used to put out the fire, Senor''

''Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?''

''The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.''

''What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!! What was the candle for?''

''For the funeral, Senor.''

WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!''

''Your wife's, Senor...She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver.''

SILENCE.............

''Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!''


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Olinguito
Post  Post subject:   |  Posted: Tue Apr 18, 2017 8:00 am
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You've no doubt heard this one before...

    Q: What did the pony say when he coughed?
    A: "Pardon me, I'm a little ho(a)rse."

How about this one...

    Q: What did the puppy say when he coughed?
    A: [Highlight] → "Pardon me, I'm a little husky."

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Blog


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babe
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Tue Apr 18, 2017 9:30 am
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A precocious little girl, always curious about everything, kept hounding herfather to accompany him when he went to the barber shop.

After months of ''Iwanna go with you!!'', he finally relented and allowed her to go along with him.

While her dad got his hair cut, she stood right beside the barber
chair, eating a Hostess snack cake. Watching everything the barber did,
with the attention that only a child can muster, she finally got on the
barbers nerves from constantly being in his way. The barber forced a smilefor her and said, ''Y'know, sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on yourTwinkie.''

''I know,'' she replied.

''I'm gonna get tits, too.''


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babe
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Tue Apr 18, 2017 9:36 am
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After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'


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marnixR
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Sun Aug 27, 2017 6:01 pm
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a man of about 60 has just been diagnosed with angina by his doctor, and has been advised to rest in bed until the medication has had a chance to do its job, and on no account to travel

he just has settled in bed when he receives a text from his sister "please come home, dad is gravely ill in hospital"

to which he replies "I can't, I'm in bed with angina"

his sister's reply : "never mind who you're in bed with, come home!"

_________________
"Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away." (Philip K. Dick)
"Someone is WRONG on the internet" (xkcd)


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marnixR
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Sun Sep 17, 2017 6:45 pm
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Patient: doctor, if I follow this diet to the letter, will I live longer?
Doctor: I can't promise that you'll live longer, but it definitely will feel that way

_________________
"Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away." (Philip K. Dick)
"Someone is WRONG on the internet" (xkcd)


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babe
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Mon Sep 18, 2017 6:01 am
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Image


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