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babe
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Tue Jan 17, 2017 8:13 am
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Olinguito
Post  Post subject:   |  Posted: Sat Jan 21, 2017 5:09 pm
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babe
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Mon Jan 23, 2017 12:57 am
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Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Miami, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore.. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:
''Are you the owner?''
The pharmacist answers, ''Yes.''
Jacob: ''We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?''
Pharmacist: ''Of course, we do.''
Jacob: ''How about medicine for circulation?''
Pharmacist: ''All kinds.''
Jacob: ''Medicine for rheumatism?''
Pharmacist: ''Definitely.''
Jacob: ''How about suppositories?''
Pharmacist: ''You bet!''
Jacob: ''Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?''
Pharmacist: ''Yes, a large variety. The works.''
Jacob: ''What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?''
Pharmacist: ''Absolutely.''
Jacob: ''Everything for heartburn and indigestion?''
Pharmacist: ''We sure do.''
Jacob: ''You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?''
Pharmacist: ''All speeds and sizes.''
Jacob: ''Adult diapers?''
Pharmacist: ''Sure.''
Jacob: ''We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry.''


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babe
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Mon Jan 23, 2017 12:57 am
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A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
''Where have you been?'' demanded his wife when he entered the house.
''Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock.''
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, ''You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!''.


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babe
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Mon Jan 23, 2017 12:59 am
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An elderly man goes into his doctors office for an annual physical. After a while, the doctor comes out and says, ''I'm sorry Bill, but we have discovered you have a condition which only allows you another 6 weeks to live.''
''But Doctor,'' Bill replied, ''I feel great. I haven't felt better in years. This just can't be true. Isn't there anything I can do?''
After a moment the doctor said, ''Well, you might start going down the street to that new health spa and take a mud bath every day.''
Excitedly Bill asked, ''And that will cure me?''
''No,'' replied the doctor, ''but it will get you used to the dirt.''


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babe
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Mon Jan 23, 2017 1:00 am
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A woman is learning how to golf. She has been teaching herself to play for more than three months and she is really bad. She decides to consult a golf pro.
When she sees the golf pro, she explains how bad she is and he tells her to go ahead and hit the ball. She does. The ball goes about 50 yards into the brush slicing to the right. The golf pro says to the woman, ''I can see that you have a lot of problems. Your stance is bad, your head is all over the place, and the worst thing is that grip.''
When she asks what can be done to fix the situation, he suggests, ''Grab the club gently, as if you were grabbing your husband's ''club''. When the feeling is right, go ahead and swing.'' She does just that and the ball goes off the tee perfectly straight for about 275 yards.
The golf pro says to the woman, ''That is unbelievable, I didn't think you would do that well. But now on to your next problem... How are we going to get that golf club out of your mouth?''


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Falconer360
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Tue Jan 24, 2017 7:23 pm
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These are great Babe!

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Dywyddyr
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Wed Jan 25, 2017 1:27 pm
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How many Freudian psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
Penis! Er, I mean father.


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babe
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Fri Jan 27, 2017 7:04 am
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SIR DUCKY!! MY DARLING!!


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babe
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Fri Jan 27, 2017 7:04 am
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The queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.
"Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???"
The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly."
"Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen.
On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job.
"Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"
The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."


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babe
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Fri Jan 27, 2017 7:08 am
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Zinjanthropos
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Fri Jan 27, 2017 4:46 pm
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babe wrote:
The queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.
"Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???"
The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly."
"Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen.
On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job.
"Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"
The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."


Guy must have 'Blew Cross'

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babe
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Sat Jan 28, 2017 8:12 am
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ahahahahah ZINNY!!


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babe
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Sat Jan 28, 2017 8:12 am
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A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more. The man said, ''Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?'' ''That doesn't prove anything,'' the woman countered. ''Think about this...when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?''


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babe
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Sat Jan 28, 2017 8:13 am
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A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant and buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine. On the way home, he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot. They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way.
''Well, okay,'' he says, ''how about a blow job?'' ''Yuck!'' she screams. ''I'm not putting that thing in my mouth!''
He says, ''Well, then, how about a hand job?'' ''I've never done that,'' she says. ''What do I have to do?''
''Well,'' he answers, ''remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?'' She nods. ''Well, it's just like that.''
So, he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain.
''What's wrong?!'' she cries out.
''Take your thumb off the end!!''


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babe
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Sat Jan 28, 2017 8:13 am
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A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a case of beer, any kind except Schlitz. The bartender says, ''What's wrong with Schlitz, don't you like it? The man says, ''I hate that shit''. Last night I drank a whole case of Schlitz and blew chunks. The bartender says, ''You drink a case of any beer you're going to blow chunks''. You don't understand said the man, Chunks is my dog.


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babe
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Sat Jan 28, 2017 8:14 am
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Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation. ''How'd you die?'' the first man asks the second. ''I froze to death,'' says the second. ''That's awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?'' says the first. ''It's very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How did you die?'' says the second. ''I had a heart attack'', says the first guy. ''You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, bot no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died.'' The second man shakes his head. ''that's so ironic'' he says. ''What do you mean?'' asks the first man ''If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive.''


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babe
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Sat Jan 28, 2017 8:14 am
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A society lady runs into the employment office one day and
demands a maid ''right now''. It seems she's having a dinner
party that night and her maid quit.
The guy in the agency explains that all the girls he has
right now have just gotten off the boat from Ireland.
They're untrained. The lady says she'll train the girl but
needs someone right away.
The agency guy asks for volunteers and Molly comes forward.
She agrees to go and be trained.
Well, the dinner party comes and goes and works out just
fine. Molly does a great job. The next morning, the lady's
walking down the upstairs hall and sees Molly in one of the
guest rooms. Looks like she's making the bed but she's just
standing there.
Curious, the woman walks in and looks over Molly's shoulder.
There on the bed lies a condom.
The lady turns bright red and tries to laugh it off. ''Why
Molly,'' she says, ''Surely you have those in Ireland, don't
you?''
Molly: ''Shurin we do madam, but we don't skin em.''


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DrKrettin
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Sun Jan 29, 2017 1:39 pm
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A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm.

The interviewer looks over his papers and says, “This CV is phenomenal - you've graduated from the best schools, our recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled.”

“Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers - so, I'm really very sorry.... but we can't hire you."

"But wait," the man says, "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavoured condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin.

He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we have a reputation to maintain – so we cannot have our employees womanising all over the country!"

"Womanising? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a chemists, winking, and asked for aspirin?"


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babe
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Mon Jan 30, 2017 8:09 am
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babe
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Mon Jan 30, 2017 8:10 am
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A boy was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. ''Grandpa what are you doing?'' he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him. ''Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?'' he asked again. The old man slowly looked at him and said, ''Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your Grandma's idea.''


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babe
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Mon Jan 30, 2017 8:11 am
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A husband is visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. While doing so, the wife lets out a sigh. Pleasantly surprised, the husband runs out and tells the doctor.
''That is a good sign,'' suggests the doctor, ''Why don't you try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction.''
The husband returns to his wife's bedside and rubs her right breast which brings a moan from his wife. He rushes out again and tells the doctor. The doctor thinks this is amazing and could perhaps be a real break through. The doctor then suggests the man return to her bedside and perform oral sex.
More than happy to accommodate, the husband returns to his wife's bedside to do his deed. Some five minutes later, the husband comes running from his wife's bedside screaming for the doctor.
''What's going on?'' asks the doctor.
The husband yells, ''My wife stopped breathing!''
''What happened?'' asks the doctor. ''Everything seemed to be looking good a few minutes ago.''
The husband replies, ''She choked.''


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babe
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Mon Jan 30, 2017 8:11 am
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A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic.
Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, ''What are you lining up for, dear?'' Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.
''Mmm, sounds lovely,'' said Grandma. ''I think I'll have some myself,'' she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. ''But you're so old... how do you do it?''
Grandma replied, ''Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry!''


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iNow
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Tue Jan 31, 2017 1:56 am
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True story:

Surgeon: Did someone fart?
Silence
Surgeon: I need to know if someone farted. I may have perforated bowel.
Med student: I farted

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"[Time] is one of those concepts that is profoundly resistant to a simple definition." ~C. Sagan


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babe
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Tue Jan 31, 2017 8:28 am
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Two men dicussing how tight ass cold their wives had been to them about giving sex. The first fellow says ''My wife's so cold I can put a glass of water in bed with her and the next morning its turned to ice.'' The second fellow says ''Hell, every time my old lady spreads her legs the furnace kicks in!''


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babe
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Tue Jan 31, 2017 8:28 am
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One winter year, these two little fleas headed for the warm sunny beaches of California to escape the cold. The first flea got there and started rubbing suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flee legs. Just then, the second flea arrived just a shiverin' and a shakin'. The first flea asked, ''What the hell happened to you?'' To which the second flea replied ''I just rode out here on a bikers mustache and I'm so very coldddd!'' The first flea said, ''Don't you know the special trick to gettin here, first you go to the airport, go straight to the ladies cammode, wait for a pretty young stewardess to come along, and when she sits down you climb right up in there where its nice and warm''. The second flea agreed that this was a grand idea. The next winter comes along and it was time for the fleas to head for the sunny beaches again. The first flea arrived and began putting suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flea legs. About that time, the second flea arrived again just a shiverin', shakin', and mumbling about how cold he was. The first flea exclaimed ''Didn't you learn anything that I taught you about getting here nice and warm?'' To which the second flea replied, ''I did just as you said; I went to the ladies cammode and this pretty stewardess came in and sat down, I climbed right up in there and it was so very warm. Next thing I know we stop at a bar and I fell asleep. All of a sudden I woke and there I was, right back on that bikers mustache!


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babe
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Tue Jan 31, 2017 8:29 am
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A very unattractive, mean actin' woman walks into Wal-Mart
with her two kids.
The Wal-Mart Greeter asks, ''Are they twins?''
The ugly woman says, ''No, the oldest one, he's 9 and the
younger one, she's 7. Why? ... Do you think they really look
alike?''
''No'', replies the greeter, ''I just couldn't believe you got
laid twice!''


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babe
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Tue Jan 31, 2017 8:29 am
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A guy goes to a doctor and says, ''Doc, you've got to help me. My penis is orange.'' Doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. Damned if the guy's penis isn't orange. Doc tells the guy, ''This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life.''
Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy, ''How are things going at work?'' The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago. The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress. Guy responds, ''No. The boss was a real asshole, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss is a really great guy.'' So the doc figures this isn't the reason.
He asks the guy, ''How's your home life?'' The guy says, ''Well, I got divorced about eight months ago.'' The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guys stress. Guy says, ''No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. God, am I glad to be rid of that old bitch.'' So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer.
He inquires, ''Do you have any hobbies or a social life?'' The guy replies, ''No, not really. Most nights I sit home, watch some porno flicks and munch on Cheetos.''


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babe
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Tue Jan 31, 2017 8:30 am
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This lady is having a bed wetting problem, so she decides to go to the doctor. The doctor tells her to go and get undressed and wait for him in the other room. When the doctor goes into the room he tells the lady to stand on her head facing the mirror. She figures he is a doctor and gets in front of the mirror. The doctor goes over to the lady and rests his chin between her legs and looks in the mirror. After a few minutes he stands up and tells the lady to go ahead and put her clothes back on and he will talk to her when she is dressed.
The lady puts her clothes on and asks the doctor what is wrong with her. He tells her that she needs to quit drinking before she goes to bed. The lady asks the doctor why he had her get naked in front of the mirror and stand on her head. He replies, ''I wanted to see how I would look with a beard.''


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babe
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Tue Jan 31, 2017 8:30 am
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A man is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny
mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top
of her thighs. To his delight, he realizes she has gone without
underwear. The blonde realizes he is staring and inquires, ''Are you
looking at my pussy?''
''Yes, I'm sorry,'' replies the man and promises to avert his eyes. ''It's
quite alright,'' replies the woman, ''It's very talented, watch this, I'll
make it blow a kiss to you.'' Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss. The
man, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can
do. ''I can also make it wink,'' says the woman. The man stares in
amazement as the pussy winks at him. ''Come and sit next to me,'' suggests
the woman, patting the seat. The man moves over and is asked, ''Would you
like to stick a couple of fingers in?''

OOPS can it WHISTLE TOO?


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Zinjanthropos
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Thu Feb 02, 2017 6:47 pm
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A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar and the best man notices that the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face.
The best man says, ''Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up - you look so excited.''
The groom replies, ''I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me.''
The bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the biggest, brightest smile on her face.
The maid of honor notices this and says, ''Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up, you look so excited.''
The bride replies ''I have just given the last blow job of my entire life.''

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"Science is much better than religion because our faith is shakeable. There can be something I believe with all my heart to be absolutely true, and the minute there's evidence that it isn't true, I throw it out like yesterday's garbage"-Krauss


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PhDemon
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Thu Feb 02, 2017 7:12 pm

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Not really a joke but it made me laugh :lol:

topic1067.html

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Falconer360
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Thu Feb 02, 2017 8:13 pm
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PhDemon wrote:
Not really a joke but it made me laugh :lol:

topic1067.html

That's great. :lol:

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"It is easy to kill someone with a slash of a sword. It is hard to be impossible for others to cut down" - Yagyu Munenori


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iNow
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Thu Feb 02, 2017 8:21 pm
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Admittedly, even I sometimes succumb to human weakness :oops:

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"[Time] is one of those concepts that is profoundly resistant to a simple definition." ~C. Sagan


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Falconer360
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Thu Feb 02, 2017 8:22 pm
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iNow wrote:
Admittedly, even I sometimes succumb to human weakness :oops:

Weakness? I'm pretty sure there was never anyone more deserving of that treatment. Besides you're just as human as the rest of us. Or are you a robot? ;)

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"For every moment of triumph, for every instance of beauty, many souls must be trampled." Hunter S Thompson
"It is easy to kill someone with a slash of a sword. It is hard to be impossible for others to cut down" - Yagyu Munenori


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marnixR
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Thu Feb 02, 2017 8:23 pm
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also not exactly a joke, but the following two links show, that whatever you may think about Trump, he has helped people unearth a rich vein of humour

A letter to the US from John Cleese
Legally I can kill him, Queen confirms

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"Someone is WRONG on the internet" (xkcd)


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Zinjanthropos
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Fri Feb 03, 2017 1:13 pm
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A boss said to his blonde secretary, "I want to have SEX with you but I will make it very fast and worth your while. I'll throw 1000 dollars on the floor and by the time you bend over to pick it up I'll be done."
She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him of the offer.
Her boyfriend said to her," Do it but ask him for 2000 bucks, pick up the money very fast so doesn't even have enough time to take his pants off." Then call me right away.
So she agrees.
Half an hour goes by without a phone call. The anxious boyfriend decides to call his girlfriend.
He asks, "what's going on, did he agree to the 2 grand?"
She replies back, "Well there's some good news and some bad news"
Good news is, ooh, he agreed to, aah, pay the money"
"Bad news is, unh, the bastard, mmm, paid me in coins and, yessss, I'm still picking them up"

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"Science is much better than religion because our faith is shakeable. There can be something I believe with all my heart to be absolutely true, and the minute there's evidence that it isn't true, I throw it out like yesterday's garbage"-Krauss


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Olinguito
Post  Post subject: the joke thread  |  Posted: Fri Feb 03, 2017 3:14 pm
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Q: What happened to the guy who didn't believe in electricity until he touched the terminal marked + on a high-voltage DC source?

A: He was positively shocked.

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Zinjanthropos
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Sat Feb 04, 2017 2:32 pm
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As bad as Olinquito's joke was and if you want to stay positive then .....

An electrician walks onto a job site of a large company and hands the foreman his application.
The foreman begins to scan the sheet, and notices that the applicant has been fired from every job he has ever held. “I must say,” says the foreman, “your work history is terrible.
You’ve been fired from every job.” “Yes,” says the sparky. “Well,” continues the foreman,
“there’s not much positive in that.” “Hey!” says the guy as he pokes the application. “At least I’m not a quitter.”


A clean joke for the older guys:

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could out do anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. “Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is,” he said.
“I will bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won’t be able to wheel back.”
“You’re on, old man,” the braggart replied. “Let’s see what you got.”
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.
Then, nodding to the young man, he said, “All right, Get in.”

_________________
"Science is much better than religion because our faith is shakeable. There can be something I believe with all my heart to be absolutely true, and the minute there's evidence that it isn't true, I throw it out like yesterday's garbage"-Krauss


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babe
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Mon Feb 06, 2017 9:52 pm
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A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.
After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked,
“Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?”
The rabbi responded, “Yes, that is still one of our laws.”
The priest then asked, “Have you ever eaten pork?”
To which the rabbi replied,
“Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.”
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest,
“Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?”
The priest replied, “Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith”
The rabbi then asked him,
“Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?”
The priest replied,
“Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith.”
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, and sat thinking, for about five minutes.
Finally, the rabbi said,
“Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?”


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PhDemon
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Mon Feb 06, 2017 9:55 pm

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Happy birthday ya daft owld bat! (Typical Geordie method of wishing many happy returns ;)) *I'm running*

It's what I wrote in mum's birthday card last week... Good job she lives 20 miles away :lol:

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babe
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Mon Feb 06, 2017 10:01 pm
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babe
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Mon Feb 06, 2017 10:03 pm
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Once upon a time in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper young prince that I am, and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and feel forever grateful doing so.
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly saut�ed frogs legs seasoned in a wine and onion cream sauce she chuckled to herself and thought: I don't fucking think so.


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babe
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Mon Feb 06, 2017 10:20 pm
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me being me...........


"Spousy, an ant just crawled up my thigh from the hibiscus flower on my lap".......

His reply....

"It's gonna die, very very soon."


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Zinjanthropos
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Tue Feb 07, 2017 7:20 pm
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babe wrote:
me being me...........


"Spousy, an ant just crawled up my thigh from the hibiscus flower on my lap".......

His reply....

"It's gonna die, very very soon."


Maybe the ant was a friend of this guy, ....
Quote:
The first flea said, ''Don't you know the special trick to gettin here...... when she sits down you climb right up in there where its nice and warm''.


Is Spousy a biker? You going on a trip? ;)

_________________
"Science is much better than religion because our faith is shakeable. There can be something I believe with all my heart to be absolutely true, and the minute there's evidence that it isn't true, I throw it out like yesterday's garbage"-Krauss


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babe
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Wed Feb 08, 2017 9:54 pm
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No Zinny, Spousy is not a biker!! *L*




God found Adam in the Garden of Eden and asked, "Where's Eve?"
"She started bleeding so she went down by the stream to wash" said
Adam.
"Oh no!" said God, "We have to stop her!"
"Why?" said Adam, alarmed.
"Because I'll never get the smell out of the fish!"


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Zinjanthropos
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Fri Feb 10, 2017 2:03 pm
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A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers - which she ended by saying "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, and good-bye Grandpa."

The father said, "Why did you say good-bye to Grandpa?"

The little girl said, "I don't know, Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day Grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this -- "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, and good-bye Grandma." The next day the grandmother died.

My goodness, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the Dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be OK. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.

Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"

He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the mailman dropped dead on our porch."

_________________
"Science is much better than religion because our faith is shakeable. There can be something I believe with all my heart to be absolutely true, and the minute there's evidence that it isn't true, I throw it out like yesterday's garbage"-Krauss


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marnixR
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Fri Feb 10, 2017 11:25 pm
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a Frenchman is in a restaurant in London and orders a steak
"how do you want your steak done, sir ?" asks the waiter
the Frenchman is grappling for the word that matches the French word "saignant" but doesn't know he should describe it as rare, so he says : "I want a bloody steak !"

to which the waiter replies "of course sir, do you want that with fucking potatoes ?"

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babe
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Sun Feb 12, 2017 9:16 am
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I LOVE THEM!!


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babe
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Sun Feb 12, 2017 9:17 am
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