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babe
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Wed Nov 16, 2016 9:20 am
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babe
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Wed Nov 16, 2016 9:22 am
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babe
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Wed Nov 16, 2016 9:22 am
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Falconer360
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Thu Nov 17, 2016 9:28 pm
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^Like

Keep up the good posts babe!

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Rory
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Wed Nov 23, 2016 4:39 am
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A joke with two letters: PE

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marnixR
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Fri Nov 25, 2016 10:40 pm
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a CEO's end of the year message

"last year our company was standing at the edge of a cliff"
"this year, however, i'm glad to say that we've taken a massive step forward !"

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Rory
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Mon Dec 05, 2016 10:47 pm
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http://www.buzzfeed.com/robinedds/100-tweets-that-made-british-people-piss-themselves-in-2016?utm_term=.if48yy2l0#.koJDjjgYd

Read them all, they're too funny :lol:

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If you are doomed to be boring - make it short. Andre Geim


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marnixR
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Mon Dec 05, 2016 11:00 pm
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is it safe to read them all in one go ?

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Rory
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Mon Dec 05, 2016 11:41 pm
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My stomach hurts from laughing but, otherwise, yes. The LD50 is all in 15 minutes.

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marnixR
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Wed Dec 07, 2016 11:25 pm
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my careers advisor told me to take up Byzantine studies
I declined, stating that my life was already complicated enough as it was

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"Someone is WRONG on the internet" (xkcd)


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PhDemon
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Wed Dec 07, 2016 11:49 pm

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I have a heroine addiction... I need to have sex with women who save lives...

Mitch Hedberg

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babe
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Mon Dec 19, 2016 7:42 am
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I have been remiss......a lot to do with rehearsals and performances!! I hope you all forgive me so now you shall get a barrage!


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babe
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Mon Dec 19, 2016 7:44 am
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babe
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Mon Dec 19, 2016 7:44 am
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TAMPAX has announced that they will be taking the string off tampons and replacing it with tinsel.. ✨
This is for the Christmas period ONLY


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babe
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Mon Dec 19, 2016 7:44 am
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A blonde is watching a ventriloquist perform in a bar, and the ventriloquist, with his dummy, is telling blonde joke after blonde joke, filling the bar with laughter. After several of these jokes, the blonde stands up, infuriated, and yells, ''Listen here, jackass. Not all blondes are stupid and the jokes need to stop, it is a very cheap way to get laughs.''
Stunned, the ventriloquist timidly begins to apologize, ''Ma'am, I am so sorry. I had no idea I was offending anyone.''
The blonde replies, ''Stay out of this, sir. I'm talking to that little shit on your knee!''


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babe
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Mon Dec 19, 2016 7:45 am
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An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years. He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous boner. ''Check this out!'' he happily exclaimed. ''What do you think we should do with it?'' With one eye open, his wife replied, ''Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles out, now would be a good time to wash it.''


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babe
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Mon Dec 19, 2016 7:47 am
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hope this isn't inappropriate if so ....please tell me!

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marnixR
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Mon Dec 19, 2016 7:53 am
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babe wrote:
hope this isn't inappropriate if so ....please tell me!


oh yes, very inappropriate - keep up the good work !

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"Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away." (Philip K. Dick)
"Someone is WRONG on the internet" (xkcd)


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babe
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Mon Dec 19, 2016 7:56 am
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Love you Marnix....my humor is rather wicked!


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M_Gabriela
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Mon Dec 19, 2016 3:38 pm
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Babeeee :lol: :lol: :lol:


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Falconer360
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Mon Dec 19, 2016 6:28 pm
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Missed your joke babe! Keep them coming!

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"For every moment of triumph, for every instance of beauty, many souls must be trampled." Hunter S Thompson
"It is easy to kill someone with a slash of a sword. It is hard to be impossible for others to cut down" - Yagyu Munenori


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babe
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Wed Dec 21, 2016 8:15 am
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GABBY and FALCONER!!


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babe
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Wed Dec 21, 2016 8:20 am
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Jack was returning to work Monday morning with two black eyes. His workmates were understandably curious: ''Jack, what happened to you?!?'' ''It was the darndest thing! I was at church yesterday, and this fat lady stood up in front of me. You know how a dress can get stuck in the crack of the butt of a fat lady? It looked funny. I figured she wouldn't like that, so I just reached over and pulled it out with a little tug. Next thing I know, she spins around and socks me one!''
''Jeez, you got TWO black eyes in one blow?''
''Naw. After she turned back around, I figured she was angry that I pulled the dress out of her crack, so I tried to poke it back in...''


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babe
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Wed Dec 21, 2016 8:21 am
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I am NOT POLITICALLY CORRECT!

A 25-year-old Jewish girl tells her mum that she has missed her period for 2 months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the local pharmacy and buys a pregnancy test kit.
The test confirms that her daughter is pregnant.
Shouting and crying, the mother says, ''Who was the selfish bastard that did this to you? I demand to know!''
Without answering, the girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later, a Bentley stops in front of their house. A middle-aged and very distinguished man steps out of the car and enters the house.
He sits in the lounge with the father and mother, and tells them, ''Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.''
He continues ''Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath two retail furniture stores, a deli, a chateau in France and a £1m bank account..
''He continues, ''If a boy is born my legacy will be a chain of jewellery stores and a £25m bank account.''
''However, if there is a miscarriage I'm not sure what to do. What would you suggest?''
All silent at this point, the mother placed a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and told him, ''You'll try again.''


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babe
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Wed Dec 21, 2016 8:24 am
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actually this is me performing *S*

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Rory
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Wed Dec 21, 2016 2:23 pm
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^Likes.

A £25 million sperm!

Who'd have thought you could be in possession of £25 million but not be able to see it w/o a microscope

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Zinjanthropos
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Wed Dec 21, 2016 6:36 pm
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babe wrote:
actually this is me performing *S*

Image


Don't know how to tell you this babe but the room, Xmas tree, the ornaments, lights, & wrapped gifts are about as cheerful & bright as a prison cell. Mainlanders could teach you guys a few things about Xmas decorations. But at least I can see that all three of you troubadours got lei'd. ;)

Merry Xmas from Niagara

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iNow
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Thu Dec 22, 2016 2:38 am
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What's common between a mouse and an elephant?






-":-":-":-":-":-":-":-":-":-":-":

They're not screwdrivers.

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"[Time] is one of those concepts that is profoundly resistant to a simple definition." ~C. Sagan


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babe
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Thu Dec 22, 2016 5:26 am
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SMACKING ZIN!!

Aloha Rory

Zin did ya see my OTHER PICTURE


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babe
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Thu Dec 22, 2016 5:27 am
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Morris wakes up in the morning. He has a massive hangover and can't remember anything he did last night. He picks up his bath robe from the floor and puts it on. He notices there's something in one of the pockets and it turns out to be a bra. He thinks "bloody hell what happened last night??". He walks towards the bathroom and finds a panty in the other pocket of his robe. Again he thinks "what happened last night, what have I done? Must have been a wild party". He opens the bathroom door, walks in and has a look in the mirror. He notices a little string hanging out of his mouth and his only thought is "Please, if there's a God, please let this be a teabag."


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babe
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Thu Dec 22, 2016 5:27 am
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Two brothers have a lifelong dream to immigrate to America. They work hard and save their money. After many years, they have saved enough money and finally emigrate into New York. Before they begin building their new lives in America, they decide to see some of the famous places they dreamed of for so long; the Statue of Liberty, the Empire State Building, the Rockettes, and others. Eventually, they make their way to Coney Island. As they stroll down the beach, taking in all the newness of America, they see a very large billboard that reads: ''HOT DOGS,'' with a big arrow pointing down to a little hot dog stand. Being hungry and seeing that having an American hot dog would be something new, they decide to try one. So they order two hot dogs and sit on a nearby bench to enjoy another piece of Americana. The first brother sets his hot dog in his lap, unfolds the paper wrapper, looks at his hot dog for a moment, and suddenly wraps it back up. He then turns to his brother and says, ''What part of the dog did you get?''


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babe
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Thu Dec 22, 2016 5:28 am
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babe
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Thu Dec 22, 2016 5:29 am
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and the tree this year was NOTHING as lovely as last year...Zinny


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Zinjanthropos
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Thu Dec 22, 2016 3:01 pm
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babe wrote:
and the tree this year was NOTHING as lovely as last year...Zinny


Makes those sequins stand out. I notice that all three of you are wearing some shade of royal blue, is there a color theme for this year and what's it representing?

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babe
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Mon Jan 02, 2017 7:59 am
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nope and that dress is 25 years old

I still fit it

Yu did see the video of me singing


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babe
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Mon Jan 02, 2017 8:00 am
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An Englishman, an Irishman and a Newfie are all playing golf with their wives.
The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee; and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

''Good God woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?'' Her husband demanded.

''Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford to buy any.''

The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, ''For the sake of decency here's 50 dollars, go and buy yourself some underwear.''

Next the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.

''Blessed Virgin Mary , woman! You've no knickers -why not?''

She replies, ''I can't afford any on the money you give me.''

He reaches into his pocket and says, ''For the sake of decency here's 20 dollar, go and buy yourself some underwear! ''

Lastly, the Newfie's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

''Sweet mudder of Jesus , Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?''
She too explains, ''You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any. ''

The Newfie reaches into his pocket and says, Well,fer the love 'o Jasus, 'n the sake of decency here's a comb, tidy yurself up a bit.''


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Zinjanthropos
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Wed Jan 04, 2017 7:30 pm
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babe wrote:
Yu did see the video of me singing


Sorry I didn't. Not even one hemidemisemiquaver. I have a tin ear anyways.

In the meantime, the music for every song ever written: doh re mi fah so la ti doh

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"Science is much better than religion because our faith is shakeable. There can be something I believe with all my heart to be absolutely true, and the minute there's evidence that it isn't true, I throw it out like yesterday's garbage"-Krauss


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babe
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Thu Jan 05, 2017 8:15 am
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My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.


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babe
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Thu Jan 05, 2017 8:16 am
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A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon were having drinks at the bar after an
interfaith convention.

The Jew, bragging about his virility said "I have four sons, one more and
I'll have a basketball team!."

The Catholic poo-poohed this accomplishment, stating, "That's nothing boy, I
have 10 sons, one more and I'll have a football team."

To which the Mormon replied, "You fellers ain't got a clue. I have 17
wives, one more and I'll have a golf course!."


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babe
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Thu Jan 05, 2017 8:17 am
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One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman... She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th-floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in defense of herself. "Your Honor," she began coolly, "I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly."


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Falconer360
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Thu Jan 05, 2017 4:47 pm
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Babe you never disappoint! Love the jokes!

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"For every moment of triumph, for every instance of beauty, many souls must be trampled." Hunter S Thompson
"It is easy to kill someone with a slash of a sword. It is hard to be impossible for others to cut down" - Yagyu Munenori


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Olinguito
Post  Post subject:   |  Posted: Fri Jan 06, 2017 7:34 pm
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A criminal was staying at a hotel. At breakfast on the first morning, he said: "I could murder a bowl of Corn Flakes right now!"

And so he did.

At breakfast on the second morning, he said: "I could murder a bowl of Shredded Wheat right now!"

And so he did.

At breakfast on the third morning, he said: "I could murder a bowl of Quaker Oats right now!" And so he did.

And so, at breakfast each morning, the criminal would go through the same routine, saying he could murder a bowl of something right now.

Eventually there were no more cereal breakfasts left at the hotel. They had all been murdered by the cereal killer.

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Blog


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Rory
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Fri Jan 06, 2017 8:39 pm
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That is a 'dad' joke, Olinguito :)

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babe
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Sat Jan 07, 2017 6:59 am
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A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.
So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, ''I found your
note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk.
Did you mean 2.5 gallons?''
The blonde said,
''No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again.''
The milkman asked, ''Do you want it pasteurized?''
Wait for it
The blonde said,
''No, just up to my tits ...
I can splash it on my eyes if I need to!''


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babe
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Sat Jan 07, 2017 7:00 am
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A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon were having drinks at the bar after an
interfaith convention.

The Jew, bragging about his virility said ''I have four sons, one more and
I'll have a basketball team!.''

The Catholic poo-poohed this accomplishment, stating, ''That's nothing boy, I
have 10 sons, one more and I'll have a football team.''

To which the Mormon replied, ''You fellers ain't got a clue. I have 17
wives, one more and I'll have a golf course!.''


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LilSaber
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Sat Jan 14, 2017 2:54 am

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Two women are having lunch at a sidewalk café when one notices her husband leaving the shop across the street holding a beautiful bouquet of flowers. She turns to her friend with a smile and says "Guess this means I'll be spreading my legs open tonight." The friend looks at her confused and says "Couldn't you just use a vase?"


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marnixR
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Mon Jan 16, 2017 9:03 am
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testing, testing
this is not a joke

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"Someone is WRONG on the internet" (xkcd)


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babe
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Tue Jan 17, 2017 1:06 am
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Working!!! Thank you!!


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babe
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Tue Jan 17, 2017 8:10 am
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Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
She sleepily replied,
"Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit."


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babe
Post  Post subject: Re: the joke thread  |  Posted: Tue Jan 17, 2017 8:11 am
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A man from Texas buys a round of drinks for everyone in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced "A typical Texas baby boy weighing twenty pounds." Congratulations shower all around, and many exclamations of 'wow!' are heard. Two weeks later he returns to the bar. The bartender says, 'Say, you're the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth, aren't you? How much does the baby weigh now?' The proud father answers, 'fifteen pounds.' The bartender is puzzled. 'Why? What happened? He already weighed twenty pounds at birth.' The Texas father takes a slow sip from his beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans over to the bartender and proudly announces, 'Had him circumcised.'


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